Polish jokes have been around for centuries, and they are still going strong today.
These jokes poke fun at Polish people and their culture, often in an exaggerated or stereotypical way. While some might consider them offensive, others just find them funny.
Without further ado, get ready to enjoy some of the best Polish jokes.
Political Polish Jokes
What do you call a political rally in Poland? A Polish parade.
What is the most powerful law in Poland? The law of the jungle.
What did the Polish Prime Minister do when he was asked to do something difficult? He said “have some more vodka!”
Where do Polish politicians get their ideas from? From the back of a bottle of vodka.
What is the first rule of politics in Poland? Assemble on time and sober!
Why did the Polish Prime Minister choose to switch jobs? So he could move up the ranks faster.
Why can’t the truth be found in Polish politics? Because they’re always changing it.
Why can’t the unemployed find work in Poland? Because the politicians have all the jobs
Why do so many Polish people wear velvet pants? So they can be like the politicians – always dressed up and never getting any work done
What did the Communist Party tell the people in Poland? Vote or do not vote – it is the same thing!
How do you say “hahaha” in Polish? “Hochzeiten.”
Why did the Poles create their own political parties? So they could have an excuse to argue.
Why did the ruling party put guards around parliament? To prevent any spontaneous outbreaks of domocracy.
What did former president Lech Walesa say when asked why endorsed the former Prime Minister Donald Tusk? “Because he is the least bad.”
How do you solve a political crisis in Poland? Talk it out.
What did the prosecutor say when arresting the former president? “Mr.Walesa, you are under arrest for treason-again!”
What did the Polish politician say when he was asked why he was always changing his mind? “That’s just my opinion, what do you believe?”
What did the Polish Prime Minister have for breakfast? He came for breakfast.
How do you know when a Polish politician is lying? His lips are moving.
How many presidents has Poland had? Poland has only one president, but sometimes it feels like it has more.
What did the Polish politician say when he was asked why he was always making the same mistake? “You just need to be more patient with me!”
Historical Polish Jokes
How did the three Polish kings die? They drowned in Polish Vodka
How do you make Matejko laugh? Paint him upside down!
Why did the Polish emperor cross the river? Because he wanted to get to the other bank.
Why do some Poles wear iron teeth? To sharpen their pencils with, of course!
Why did Poland suffer four partitions? Because nobody had a four-partition table!
What river did the Polish king cross? The river he was standing in!
Why did the Polish farmer cross the road? Because he didn’t have any chickens!
Did you hear about the Polish hunter? A bear chased him right up the tree.
What do you get when you cross a Polish peasant with an aristocrat? A man who looks both ways before crossing the street.
What did the Polish pirate say when he was almost caught? Shackles, me hearties.
What did the Polish man say when he was late? “I’m sorry but I was Poznań-ing my way here!”
Why did the Polish princess cross the road? Because she wanted to get to the other side.
How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The Germans will do it for them.
Why did the Polish farmer plant his field with potatoes? That way, if the potatoes didn’t grow, he could always eat the dirt!
What did Jan III Sobieski, the king of Poland in the late 17th century, do with his time? He was busy progrom-in.
What did the Polish king say to the palace guard? “Let me in, or I’ll break down the door!”
Why do some Poles still want to become Napoleon? He is the only one to conquer Poland in a day.
Why do Poles have an aversion to dictatorships? Becayse they have had enough Nazi, Communist and Tsarist regimes in their lifetime.
What did the Polish peasant say when he saw a large crow? “Let’s hope he doesn’t pick up a potato!”
What did the Polish grandmother say when asked how she liked the food? “It tastes like the dirt the potatoes were grown in!”
Why did Poland invade Czechoslovakia in 1939? To teach Czechs how to speak Polish.
Why did the Polish-Soviet War happen? To find out which was the better cavalry, the Cossacks or the Poles.
What is the Polish equivalent of the American “Do not mess with Texas?” Do not mess with Warsaw.
Why did Copernicus stand on a ladder while observing the stars? Because he did not want to be seen by his rivals.
Why did Chopin compose so many waltez? He wanted to give everyone a chance to dance.
Why did Milosz write so many books? So he could be the most famous Polish writer ever.
Self-Deprecating Polish Jokes
What did the Polish painter say when he finished a painting? “That’s as good as it gets.”
What do you call a Polish novel? A work of fiction.
How do you get a Polish person to laugh? Tell them a joke about themselves.
Why do all the Poles want to fly? They won’t have to wait in line at the passport office.
What do you call a Polish person with an expensive car? A thief!
How do you explain the concept of infinity to a Pole? Put two Poles together and ask them to agree on something.
Why don’t Poles do well in the popularity contest? Because being popular is overrated.
What is the most important meal of the day in Poland? Orgazam, of course!
How did the Pole know he was walking in the right direction? When he saw the sun setting in the west.
Why did the Pole go to the library? Because he heard it was a quiet place.
What did the Pole say when he found out he was out of food? “To save the kingdom, I must eat my shoe!”
Why did the Pole cross the road? To get to the second-hand store.
What did the Pole say when asked why he was alone during a party? “I hate meeting new people.”
How do you make a Pole laugh? Tell him a joke in German!
Why did the Pole go to the doctor? She needed a new liver, a pancreas and some funny stories.
Why did the Polish man fail math? Because his teacher didn’t speak Polish.
What did the Polish man say when he was asked if he liked Chinese food? Yes, but I have to carry it in both hands.
What do you call a Polish man that doesn’t drink? A designated driver.
“How do you get a Polish person off your front porch? Pay for the pizza.
Why did the Polish man move to Canada? Because he heard Canadians never make Polish jokes.
What do you call a person with no arms, no legs, and no neck? Polish Conga Line.
What did the Polish man say when asked why he speaks Polish? It’s the only language I can understand.
Where do Polish people go on vacation? Walmart.
What do you call a Polish person that always wears a suit? Someone who’s looking for a job.
What do you call a Polish skydiver who can’t open his parachute? Nothing, he hasn’t hit the ground yet.
Why did the Polish man bring a ladder to the moon? He wanted to ask for an autograph from the Man in the Moon.
What did the Polish man do when he heard that the world was round? He panicked and started sending an S.O.S. signal.
Why did the Polish man plant his car in the garden? He wanted it to be a power steering wheel.
Why did the Polish man paint stripes on his house? So he could have the first zebra street.
What did the Polish man say after he realized he had spend all his money on beer? “Cheers me!”
What did the Polish man say after realizing he forgot his keys? “Doors open!”
What did the Polish man say when he saw a team of horses walking by? ”Polka dot ponies!”
What did the Polish man say when he saw a mouse in the house? “Cheese!”
